Bad Jokes for a Good Weekend

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1) Who says you can’t take it with you?

My friend John recently spent $15,000 for 2 tooth implants. He told me that his parents already spent a few thousand on orthodontics in his precious mouth when he was a kid decades ago. When he dies, he wrote in his will, he’s going to have an open casket funeral with an even more open smile artistically made up by the mortuary beautician so that everybody can see his beautiful teeth for eternity. Yikes, may I skip the funeral?

2) Fun with auto-spell.

Recently I advertised for a job opening in my tiny office. I received a few applications. One of them looked promising. So I called his supervisor for reference. The supervisor couldn’t come to the phone. So I left her a message and my phone number. A few hours later I received a text from her. She said that the applicant was “a impotent” employee and she would have no problem recommending him. I thought that was odd. So I texted her back asking for clarifications. She wrote back right away:

Oh my dog, I meant to say he’s “competent,” I’m so embarrassed.

I’m still not clear if it’s the dog or the man she was referring to, but I gave up.

3) For your own good, be nice to your mother-in-law.

My friend Jake is a true linguist. His choice of words treads the ridge between sarcasm and insult and he does it with the finesse and grace of an old and clumsy mountain goat. The other day I paid him a visit while his mother-in-law was helping him hang up a few pictures of his beautiful children in the living room. He said, “Mom, can you hold it up as high as you can?” She stands 5 feet 2. He’s a foot more.

His attorney wife, who is as tall as her mother, heard that in the other room and said, “Honey, you can sleep in the bathtub tonight.”

Ouch, Jake!

*** The End ***

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